Politically-Correct Poker Terminology

(am I allowed to say "just Hold 'Em, honey?")

Every poker hand has a nickname, but there are a few that the PC amongst us should be careful about using. The same applies to much of the terminology - so, you sado's, here's your guide:

Try to avoid telling your beaten opponent with a Q3 they just went down on a "gay waiter". You will not be popular, unless perhaps he is actually gay (and out). The Q3 being so called because it's a Queen with a "Tray". Note to those in our American colonies - we don't mind you messing with other languages, but since your current leaders are hell-bent on world domination (and not just of the oil market), you may as well learn to correctly spell the single, universal language. That's English, by the way. "American English" is merely another Microsoft creation that sucks worse than their software.

Whilst on the gay theme, you might find yourself playing in a "ring game". Whether anyone would believe that you meant poker is debatable. QQ is sometimes referred to as "Siegfried and Roy", but I've yet to come across (of course it was intended!) more than one Lesbian-themed nickname. Unsurprisingly, it's the same QQ, but the reference to be shunned is "dykes." I guess 69 would have been the obvious choice, but "big lick", "dinner for two" and "the good lover" are all non-specific. You might be "cleaned out", but hey - let's not go there...

By the way, QQ is also known as "hookers" - consider yourself warned! If you make a hand that you hadn't intended, you might ponder the wisdom of telling everyone how much you enjoyed the "backdoor" action. Similarly, "bottom dealing" might imply you haven't had a straight, but you're more likely to have the shit kicked out of you - it's cheating. And lastly, QQQQ should surely be renamed now. Whole generations are growing up thinking that "Village People" simply live in Greenwich, NYC. I'm led to believe that quite a lot of them do, but a more current reference is in order. My vote would be "George, Michael, Elton and John" or maybe "Busted and the manager." Suggestions on a postcard, please...

Women can be sensitive creatures, and poker world jargon has many potential pitfalls if you have a few females in your group and you're playing with them (yep, they're ALL intended). At the lower end of the scale, reference to 38 as "Raquel Welch" or 44 as "Diana Dors" may bring a small rebuke. Neither of these is an "overpair" despite what would be a reasonable conclusion. In a similar vein, please avoid calling the holder of 29 "Twiggy" if the lady is at all flat-chested. Your best bet is to tell her you think she has a "top pair". Mention of her keeping it "tight" may imply frigidity. Please also refer to 88 as "snowmen" as your risk of being assaulted is lower than with "two fat ladies."

The chances of you upsetting them are considerably increased, however, if you mention that you had no idea they had "6 tits" (QQQ). You may reasonably expect to get away with "big chick" (AQ) but heaven help you if you're holding the nuts and tell a woman "you're a big dog".

It's possible that you may forget the more popular "wheel" when referring to A2345. If you happen to use "bike" instead and in the unlikely event that she doesn't object, I'll expect your call with her number. Personally though, I doubt you'd live to tell the tale. If your female opponent has raised, you may also wish to check it's OK prior to "coming over the top" of her. Before you think this is all one-way traffic, ladies - be aware that a guy telling you he's "all in" is probably not an invitation to make fun of his machismo. Be wary, too, about the use of "flop", "grinding" and "early position". A guy may be "limping in" as well, but that's more than enough ammunition for the girls.

Some non-sex-specific nicknames will also cause more offence to a woman than a man. "Mongrel" (K9o), and "German Virgin" (99) for example, whilst "crabs" (33) is probably an equally offensive slur. Unless of course you dealt the cards, in which case you can then diffuse the situation by apologising for 'giving them crabs'. (Note to self: must buy the Itchy & Scratchy DVD in January). By contrast, JKo is probably more appropriate to males (Jack King off). Hence the term "bachelor's hand." Lastly, if your game is ever busted by cops and some of you smoke weed, always deny "the pot" is yours. You might want to keep a Montana Banana (92) in your pocket as "evidence".